Disappointments

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how disappointing life can sometimes be and how we truly have to focus on the good in order to enjoy life. Sounds simple enough but it is really hard at times for some of us and it is nearly impossible for others. Sometimes life just surprises us with impossible obstacles, and we’re left wondering how we’re going to get through it all.

Something I think that can really feel unfair to me personally is that I am not a mother. I am a stepmom and I love my husband’s kids as if they were my own and being a stepmom does lessen the sting of not having my own biological children. I cannot say enough how thankful I am to have them and their father in my life. Still, not having children of my own was never part of the original plan.

I have loved kids my entire life and have babysat, worked in daycare or as a nanny off and on since I was 13. I’ve had many people tell me that I am so good with kids. I’ve been told I must have a lot of patience to work with children so much. Maybe I have patience with children, but I don’t have patience waiting to have a child of my own. I have always wanted to be a mom and I never really wanted to be anything else. A lot of people dream of being a teacher, doctor, artist, business owner, etc. but not me. I didn’t have career goals and I have no idea why I took college prep classes in high school. I had no intentions of doing any of that. I only wanted to be a mom.

As I am nearing my 40^th birthday I have started to come to terms with the fact that it may not be part of the plan for me to have my own child. Though we continue to try, I’m starting to gradually let go of a dream I once held on to so tightly. If I were to get pregnant, there would definitely be some rejoicing around here, but I am starting to have more peace about the possibly that it may never happen.

I say I’m starting to come to terms with it because I honestly can say on most days I am fine and my life is full of too many blessings to count. However, I still have really tough days that I just have to cry through until I’m on the other side of it.

I have not been very vocal or public about any of this because as a whole, we as humans like to fix things. We hear a problem or wish, and we want to help it come true especially if it’s for someone we love. I am not bragging when I say this, but my husband and I have a lot of wonderful people in our lives. People who support us, pray for us, and give to us. We are truly blessed. We have many encouraging voices that remind us that it could still happen, and I know it still can, but I can’t make my whole life about it or I will be missing the blessings I currently have. I appreciate every person who has encouraged us in this but I also feel like I need to remind myself that things don’t always go according to plan and that’s OK.

I say all this to bring up that we all have disappointments in life. Some that are frustrating and discouraging and some that are just outright heartbreaking.

Maybe you have lost a child, through miscarriage or tragedy.

Maybe you have lived most of your life single and long for the right person to come along side you.

Maybe you have lost your spouse and you are finding that the days since they’ve been gone are long and sometimes unbearable.

Maybe you have tried for years to get pregnant and it’s just not happening.

Maybe you had dreams to have a huge family but have only been able to have one child.

Maybe you lost a parent, or you have an ill parent, and you are wondering how long you have left with them.

Maybe you’re struggling financially, and you just don’t know what to do anymore.

Maybe you yourself are sick or recovering and have to find a new normal in the midst of a diagnosis, treatment, or health condition.

Maybe you are single again and having to start over living a life much differently than originally planned.

The list could go on and on…there are so many things in this world that are hard. Some that discourage us and some that downright break our hearts. There is no telling this side of heaven why some things happen the way they do. Why do bad things happen? Why do we struggle sometimes? Why do we struggle to let go of things that are not for us right now or maybe at all?

All I can say is we’re human and imperfect and we all struggle to understand why things don’t go according to plan. We would like to have to all figured out but we’re not living in a perfect world here so we might as well get used to the ups and downs of life and try to find the good in it all.

What are the good things in life? You have to answer that yourself. What blessings do you have in your life that you know make your life better? Your friends? Your family? Your faith?

I know without my faith in God, I would struggle a lot more than I do with the way life goes sometimes. I also know that my husband is one of my greatest blessings because he constantly points me to Jesus. No matter what is going on around us he is saying God gave us this blessing, God will take care of this problem, God is with us through this trial. The bible is full of promises that God will never leave us or forsake us but having someone come beside me and audibly say it on a regular basis is a huge asset and blessing. Having people like this in your life is so important. People who remind you of the good in your life. I don’t mean people who tell you what you want to hear. That’s not what my husband does. He tells me hard truths with love and reminds me that God’s plan is better than any plan we can come up with ourselves.

I can honestly say it’s disappointing that we have not had a baby. I also can honestly say that we have fun dreaming of retirement and traveling and doing a lot of other things in the future. Whichever future is ours; I’ll take it and I’ll take all the blessings God has for me with it. My life with my husband, my family, my friends…all the good stuff, far outweighs all of the disappointments, letdowns, and pain. My life with Jesus far outweighs any trouble we have on this earth. I will live my life with the knowledge that someday I’ll spend eternity with Him and the things of this world will not matter anymore.

When you find yourself in dark times, when you’re feeling alone and forgotten, remember that God loves you and He can help carry your load if you let Him. He will never leave you and He will walk through the valleys with you. It is not always easy for anyone in this life but knowing God is with us does make life better. He can give us more than we could ever imagine, if we only take the time to recognize our blessings.

June 22, 2023 4

Lord, I Need You

Do you ever have a day that was just hard? Today was one of those days in my life. When I say hard I do not mean the tasks I had to do today was difficult. The hard part of today was that I let my mind worry about things in my life that are causing me to feel stressed and down. I sometimes feel like I never know what I’m doing or what I should be doing. It is so frustrating to feel as though the things you feel called to do are not what you are doing right now. Being patient and waiting on God’s timing is not an easy thing and sometimes it seems downright impossible. We can let ourselves get so disappointed and doubtful that we don’t feel like even trying to do what we need to do because we’re worried that it still won’t work out in our favor in the end.
Today, in the midst of my work, I was full of worry, doubt, questions, discouragement. I felt a little defeated and I just wanted to come home from work, drink some coca cola, eat some cake, and lay down in bed and cry. I did some of those things but instead of laying down to cry, I decided to write. Before I had a chance to write much of anything, my husband called me from work to talk to me for a few minutes. While on the phone with him I realized it was raining a bit and the sun was shining. Enjoying photography like I do, I decided I better get my camera and see if I can’t find a rainbow. As I walked to the backyard I noticed a rainbow and took a few shots of it while talking to my husband. He had to get back to work so we said our goodbyes and I went in to upload my photos and look through them. It wasn’t until later when I took a good look at one of the photos that I realized what just happened.
I had spent most of my day in worry wondering what the future holds and what I should be doing in the meantime. I let myself get discouraged and upset. Still despite all of my doubts and grumbling, God painted a rainbow in the sky to remind me that He keeps His promises. When I saw this photo I just stared at it for awhile. The rainbow stretching across the sky over our house seemed to be placed there just for me. I know many people saw the rainbow and I cannot tell you what it may mean to someone else but to me it means…
God is with us
He has a hedge of protection around us
He will not fail us
He will provide for all our needs
He knows the desires of our hearts
He keeps His promises

and as long as we put our trust in Him we will not fail but prosper for He has a plan for our lives. He has a purpose for each of us that no one else can fulfill.

He loves, oh how he loves us.

Remember His love, remember His promises, and trust in His grace and goodness. When you feel like all hope is gone, take a look around. God is not shy, He is not secretive. He will show you the way and if He needs you to stay put for now, He will remind you that He has a plan and has not forgotten about you. There are signs everywhere that show us that God is alive and well and in control. Let’s try to remember that more and trust in Him.

June 1, 2018 2

A Full Life

Let me just start today by saying that today, in my neck of the woods, it is rainy and grey and I am having trouble mustering up much motivation to write. I’d much rather curl up on the couch and listen to the rain while reading…or sleeping. Still I really feel I need to write what is on my heart today.

As Easter has come to a close and we all have went back to our daily routines, I can’t help but wonder how many of us are already acting as though we forget what we just celebrated 2 days ago. You may be feeling as though the world is against you. Maybe things are not good at home or maybe not going well at work. Maybe something you’re waiting for gets pushed back even further and you don’t know if you can stand it any longer. Maybe you’ve experienced a great deal of loss lately. It could be that you’re just not sure you can handle one more snowy day or maybe you’re praying for just one more day off. Whatever the case may be, we as humans tend to focus on ourselves and our surroundings. We have trouble waiting for the future. We have trouble getting over the past. We build up feelings of hurt, sadness, weariness, confusion, or even simply boredom. Sometimes we can feel low from a lack of something happening in our lives, sometimes from too many things happening. For a lot of us, Easter is a day of celebrating the best thing that ever happened in the history of the world. Jesus died for us. Yet 2 days later we are grumbling and complaining while trying to muddle through our day. We know Jesus loves us and we are thankful but are we acting as we should? Now before you think I am accusing some of you of acting simply horrible just a few days after Resurrection Sunday, let me tell you how my Easter Sunday unfolded.

My husband loves winter, he loves the snow a lot. I on the other hand would rather have warm weather so I can wear my flip flops. Some people, like myself, need a little sunshine to get them through the winter. My yearning for spring led me to purchase a bright yellow dress online as an attempt to make it through a couple more months of inclement weather (and to add something besides blue and black to my wardrobe). I planned on wearing the dress for Easter and possibly my step son’s wedding this summer because I really liked the style and was excited for spring/summer festivities. When I received it in the mail and tried it on a few times it fit well and looked nice. I had it all planned out. I was wearing my amber jewelry, my white sweater, and I bought nail polish to match my dress. My husband would match in the tie we bought him to wear with his suit. We were ready for Easter.

When Easter morning arrived we rushed around trying to make it to the early service on time and in the midst of the hurriedness and lack of sleep we encountered a problem. My yellow dress that we planned on everything matching decided that the zipper no longer needed to do its job and before I could even wear it for the first time, it was broken. I thought maybe I could fix it later. So I put on last year’s dress and we rushed off to church. I tried not to think about the dress at all during the service and for the most part succeeded but that was while I still had hope of wearing it later. The service was great and we enjoyed singing old hymns in the choir. Afterwards we rushed home to prepare some food for dinner later and to take a look at the dress. As I began to look over it I realized more and more that I couldn’t fix it and sorrow washed over me. That sounds really dramatic for a dress doesn’t it? The fact that I felt sorrowful for a dress made me feel silly and the fact that I was actually upset enough to cry about it on Easter Sunday was even more ridiculous to me. I was mad the zipper broke and mad at myself for being upset on Easter. Jesus died to take away my sin and I’m mad that I can’t wear a yellow dress. My patient and sweet husband kept telling me it was understandable to be disappointed and he kept pointing out to me that my nail polish and his tie still matched the dress I was wearing, last year’s dress. At first I did not care that I still matched, I had wanted to wear yellow but luckily it was time to go back to church and it was clear I definitely needed some church.

After arriving at church a 2nd time I was overcome with emotion for what Easter means, Jesus giving his life to save mine. I enjoyed singing my heart out to Jesus and hearing the great message our pastor gave. I made the choice to be blessed by the service and see the blessings around me despite the days earlier events. I had all but forgot about the morning’s disappointment until we were on our way to my brother’s house for dinner. We were almost there and I was in mid sentence telling my husband how happy I’ll be to see my family, especially the babies, when a truck decided to come into our lane and force us halfway off the road. My husband is a great driver and he simply slowed down and continued driving. We really were in no danger, it happened in a way that we were able to move over easily without risking any contact. Still I could feel myself tense up. I finally said to my husband “Satan is really trying to make me upset on Easter!”

How true those words are! We forget sometimes that the devil is constantly trying to upset us. He wants us to be sad, mad, and discouraged. He wants to make us feel hopeless and alone. He knows that if he plays his cards right, he can make us feel bad about ourselves even in the midst of a beautiful Easter Sunday full of blessings. So if you’re feeling down a few days after Easter and you’re wondering how you could lose sight of Jesus on the cross so quickly remember that it is the devil’s job to destroy you and he will try harder and harder the more time you spend with God. Don’t let the devil keep you down. God loves you and has a plan for your life and if you keep your eyes fixed on Him, the devil cannot steal your joy. He can never take away God’s love and grace. I am so thankful for that!

So whether you had a rough start to Sunday morning or life is just not going right at the moment, rest assured in the fact that Jesus lives today and he came to redeem us! The devil can use the littlest things to distract us from the cross. Don’t let the devil steal any part of your day, any part of your life! Our lives were meant to be lived to the fullest and to glorify God!

My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart -Proverbs 3:1

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full -John 10:10

April 3, 2018 4